I just witnessed the most beautiful post written through me and then it disappeared. I will not be able to reproduce it. Like everything in life. If I would try it, it won't be the same. This morning in my meditation I saw my mothers perspective on the time, when she died and I had to continue to go to school. I was 9.
Watching it from the bird perspective was heartbreaking. I saw myself going to school and my Mom not being able to hug me, tell me everything is going to be alright. That she is always around and that love can be found, but I will have to ask for my needs to be met, when I can. My father is a loving and kind man, but he was not able to catch me after her death. He was still heart broken from the divorce a year before.
I did not know, what that meant or how that feels. Now I know both, the death of a mother and the death of a marriage. It feels alike. The numbness, the rage, the sadness, the regrets. All part of it. Can't shame it away. Time will heal. It must. You can't force it. I won't. I feel hatred and I won't deny. It hurts the side of my liver. They say the liver can't feel pain. Maybe it is something else. It hurts anyways. I stayed far too long, the pain says. The reality is, I stayed as long as I had to. Put the kids in front of me. They need to be happy. They were not happy in a dysfunctional relationship. They were used to it. And so were we.
We just lied long enough. Life won't make you happy. Thats our own responsibility. Life loves us anyways.
No judgement, no failure.
My turn to love again.